Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
