Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
