Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
