what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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