a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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