So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
