3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
