I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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