my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
