remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
