I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
the condom got lost in my hair
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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