hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
