i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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