He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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