at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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