first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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