The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
