Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize