I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
