I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
how does that bad decision feel?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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