My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
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