guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
