this beer tastes like vomit already
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
