My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
