They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize