so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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