why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
