Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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