its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize