I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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