I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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