God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
