I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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