Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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