I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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