Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
