Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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