If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
