Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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