I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
