I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
