how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
