I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
smell my finger.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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