I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
