Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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