just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
