life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i already hear my dad disowning me
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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