when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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