Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
