it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
