When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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