Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
