Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
