Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Quick, to the slutcave!
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
