the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
