i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
