It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
