i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
