You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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