meet me or not, i'm out of control
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
