Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
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