this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
