Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
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